3 Reasons why Manhattan is different than anywhere else

1. In Manhattan there are fines for misbehaving and they make sure you know exactly what for. Exhibit A:

I wish they had signs like this in every city. Although, to be fair, it didn’t seem to stop the cabbies from playing it fast and loose with their horns. But I still appreciate the official nature of it all.

2. New Yorkers don’t believe in grocery shopping. Okay, maybe that’s not fair. But the city certainly doesn’t make cooking for yourself overly convenient. And even if you do manage to stumble upon a store, it certainly won’t be budget friendly. More than likely it will be called “Gourmet Grocer” or “Fancy Supermarket”. They might as well be named If-Your-High-Priced-Manhattan-Rent-Doesn’t-Bankrupt-You…-Feeding-Yourself-Will. What happened to Food Basics, No Frills and Price Chopper? I don’t know how New Yorkers do it.

3. Fortunately, one way in which Manhattan is the same as many other places lies in the fact you can still find little kids trying to save up by selling baked goods outside their houses. Granted, they’re doing it on the pavement in front of a massive apartment building rather than the end of a driveway but they’re out there trying to bring home the bacon none the less. Plus they’re bound to draw far more traffic than I ever did on my suburban lane. Man, those New Yorkers learn about “Location, location, location” from a very young age!

5 Lessons I learned on my first day visiting New York

1) Cities without lights are freaky. As we flew over the areas that were hit hardest by hurricane Sandy I felt like I was in some sort of apocalyptic movie. The only lights you could see below you for miles were flashing emergency vehicles. No window lights. No streetlights. Just emergencies. That is some scary stuff. As someone who has lived my whole life in a city where a foot of snow is the biggest weather deal we get, I have no idea what those people are going through but I feel for them. That experience must be terrifying.

2) Do not assume just because you and someone else are getting on planes to the same destination 15 minutes apart, you will wind up in the same place. You may, in fact, end up on opposite ends of the airport, miles apart. And then both think you’ll be the wise and helpful one and go to meet the other. Only to find yourself miles apart again. And to have to ask yourself the tragic question: “what did people do without cell phones?” is doubly depressing. I mean seriously, what did they do? Send a page over the entire airport? Continually journey 15 minutes back and forth between terminals until one of you catches up to the other? As much as I dislike some aspects of technology, I am glad I did not lose hours of sightseeing time busing around the airport.

3) Watching people walk through automatic turning doors at airports is hilarious. The device may be clearly turning when they get in it, yet still they feel the need to push on it with all their might. And the stronger they push, the slower it goes and the more loudly the automated voice says “please do not push on turning door”. But for whatever reason they aren’t listening and they choose to kick the turning door. But the automated voice does not stand for such nonsense and chooses to stop the rotation altogether. Oh people! I simultaneously love to love you and love to laugh at you.

4) Pushing your way onto a plane will not get you there faster. It may get you into a cramped, uncomfortable sitting position faster. But it will not get you where you’re going any faster. But hey, if you want to shoot out of your seat in the waiting area and jockey for position, be my guest. I will continue reading my brilliant book.

5) Which brings me to… Mindy Kaling is brilliant. Okay, I already new that. But if you need confirmation of that fact, just read her book Is everyone hanging out without me? (And other concerns). She is just too awesomely funny.

The adventures of my mom and I in New York City: Part 1

The official airport scoring:
Me: 1
Airport: 1

Okay, technically I suppose the airport has two points since they make all the decisions and I’m just along for the ride. But the fact I met a series of nice employees who let me win even one point is close to a miracle.

As always, I approached the security station with a myriad of “hazardous” things I had no idea were “hazardous”. But unlike the horror stories I’ve heard or experienced where people were forced to eat whole grapefruits while airport attendees watched or forced to toss a whole tub of  Nutella in the trash (liquid? Puh-lease! That is solid chocolate and sugar my friend), my experience was far more civil. The kind employees took pity on me and let me keep my 6oz yogurt! It did have to go through rigorous screening but in the end my double-the-legal-limit yogurt was permitted entrance to New York. My hair spray, unfortunately was not so lucky.

When they invited my suitcase and I over to a special investigation zone I thought they were doing the usual “see, there’s no racial profiling here, look at me a searching the little blond girl” which I am familiar with enduring. (Side note: It’s extra funny when you’re selected for a body pat down while wearing a spandex top and leggings — seriously dude, where do you think I’m hiding something? But I digress…) So, the man unveiled my hairspray that had to hit the trash. That hairspray has lasted me a solid two years though and I was only just starting to get to know my yogurt. So I’ll count my blessings.

Gratitude of the Day: Living in a basement

Now, it must be admitted that I don’t always love the fact I live in a basement. When I wake up and it’s pitched black and there’s no way for me to know whether it’s 2 a.m. or noon. I don’t love living in a basement. When the power goes out and I have to resort to filling a pan up with candles while others could simple draw the curtains, I don’t love living in a basement. But when do I love living in a basement?

When the city has been hovering around 30 degrees C for weeks and my home — air conditioner free, might I add — is at the perfect temperature. This time last year in my second floor apartment I was sleeping on top of my covers, with the door open and the fan propped next to the window — so it could weakly blow some humid air in my direction. And to complete that picture — I was sleeping with my head at the foot of the bed just to get it that little bit closer to the window. It was also so hot that blow drying and/or straightening my hair, or, really, looking presentable in any way, shape or form, was completely out of the question. So that is why today, I give thanks for my glorious basement apartment.

And while I’m at it — that whole power outage thing I mentioned. Not so bad when you have an awesome roommate and wind up spending the entirety of the evening huddled around a collection of tea-lights gabbing away and eating various dairy products and fruit items (because after all — they could have gone bad at any moment for all we knew!)

So here’s to cool basements, awesome roommates and unexpected turns of events that wind up being spectacular!

Treating yourself to something you really need

You know what’s a beautiful moment? When you finally decide to invest in something that you really really need. Like when you’ve been walking around in a pair of shoes with a hole in them for months and then finally take the plunge and buy yourself a new pair. Or when your hair is getting so long that it’s a tangled, frail mess and you manage to make it to the hairdresser for the cut of a lifetime. For me, the luxurious purchase I made was a brand new bed.

After sleeping on a single-sized half a century old bed for three years I finally took the plunge and bought myself a glorious new one. It’s a double, it’s pillow-top and it’s 100% magnificent. I can’t help but get into it at night and feel a little bit of joy wash over me (and perhaps a note of relief that my years of sleeping on a board are behind me). Granted, I am still in need of a headboard as lacking in one has caused a slight kink in my neck. But still – this is one investment I know I will be reaping the rewards of for years to come. So if there’s something you’ve been meaning to buy but have been putting off – quit it! Get out there and treat yourself!

Discount tattoo removal!?

So I’m sitting on the subway mindlessly flipping through the newspaper when I come across this little ad:

In case the photo’s too blurry – it reads “50% off tattoo removal for ex-lovers names and hearts – 25% off for everyone else”.
Well folks – you heard it here first: quit trying to stop your friend or daughter from tattooing “lindsay + Billy = forever” on her tush because down the road she could save a whopping 25% more when she decides to have it removed. What a deal!

Modern Family Charades

Now, my family has played some pretty hilarious games of charades over the years but nothing quite compares to Modern Family’s movie charades. They did a promo of everyone’s favorite family playing the game last year:

Modern Family Charades Part 1

And then they just released an even funnier one for this year’s event:

Modern Family Charades Part 2

I haven’t laughed so hard in a while. And with Oscar nominations just being released – these clips are the perfect way to get into the Awards spirit.

Family Photo

Heehee…no explanation necessary on this one… just good for a laugh:

The hilarious trials of a coffee shop worker (cont’d…)

Yes indeed, the people I encounter in my line of work never cease to delight and amaze me. I swear sometimes I feel like they’re zoo animals and I just want to stare at them wearing a puzzled expression on my bemused face for hours on end. Tragically, their notions of self-importance rarely allow for such an event to occur. However, after some of their more bizarre requests I will on occasion pause and wait…giving them the opportunity to jump in with “oh my goodness I’m so sorry, I must sound like a nutter” and laugh awkwardly at their hilarity…they don’t.

Now these people can fall into several categories but in the majority of cases they fall into one of two – the narcissistic and the painfully cheap. And today’s character falls into the latter category. But in order for you to really understand the point I’m trying to get across here, I should just lay out the conversation we shared:

*Customer approaches with a nearly empty cup in her hand*

Customer: I would like you to warm up my coffee.

Me: I’m sorry?

Customer: Warm up my coffee.

Me: I’m sorry, we don’t have a device to warm up your coffee. *pause as customer stands there expectantly* I could put more coffee in your cup…*pause*…it would be warm…

Customer: But would that taste good?

Me: Ummm…I could get you a new coffee if you prefer.

Customer: I had a cappuccino.

Me: Oh…okay…would you like me to steam more milk for your cappuccino?

Customer: I don’t think that would taste very good.

Me: Okay then, what can I get for you? (Please note: This was said in a painstakingly nice voice as I tried to grapple with the fact that this woman felt for no particular reason that she was entitled to a freshly made cappuccino for no additional cost – and the fact that a lineup of people was slowly building up behind her did not faze her in the slightest.)

Customer: Can’t you just give me a new one?

Me: Of course.

*Freshly brewed beverage is handed over with a smile and the line could finally continue to move*

At this juncture I think it only right to take the one and only Sesame Street’s Count Von Count approach to this situation and ask you -

If you pay for one coffee – how many coffees should you expect to get?

Oooooooooooooooone.

Now I get it, I work for a very generous company that is willing to give you, the customer, whatever your heart desires and I’m not paid to fight with you, so I won’t. But please, promise me that if you behave like this you at least recognize it and go to sleep thinking “wow, I acted like a real cow today!” I mean, I appreciate the fact that you give me something to giggle about for the rest of my shift, but not every coffee shop worker can laugh off your ridiculousness as easily as I can. So please, check yo’self before you wreck yo’self (or more likely, a less perky employee “accidentally” spills scalding tea water on your face). Just saying…

Ways to think more like a kid

Today it occurred to me that I often enjoy life more when I spend it thinking like a kid. Everything is more entertaining and enjoyable when you approach it from a child’s point of view. In that spirit I share with you questions you can ask yourself so that you can live every day more like a kid would:

“When waiting in line at a restaurant – why stand around whining about the slow service when I can spend my time making outlandish wishes in the koi pond until I run out of pennies?”

“Why walk to my next destination when I can run like a mad person with arms and legs flailing around at will?

“Is this cupcake really going to go straight to my hips or is it going to warm my tummy and sweeten my day all the way down?”

“Is this traffic truly the end of the world or is it just an opportunity to baffle those around me with my skills at 20 questions and the alphabet game?”

“Why cram myself into a smelly gym when I can chase my friend around in circles until we’re both dizzy and out of breath?”

“My underwear has become wedged and needs to be removed – is there any point really being coy about it?”

Hope these questions help you get more fun out of each and every day!